Keeping the Distance Out of Long Distance

My sister asked me to write something on this topic quite a while back. As you can see from the date of this post (versus the actual post date) it was quite a while back. What is it they say about good intentions? Which is probably a nice segue into my chosen topic ...

Before I start writing, allow me to say that none of this comes from a preachy perspective. I will assure you that any input I have on this topic is from experience and not from a degree in Relationship 101. One of the main lessons I have learned is that just because it works for me does not mean it works for everyone. The amazing thing about relationships is that they are all so unique and it takes something unique to keep each of them going. With that said, allow me to offer some suggestions for those of you attempting to keep a relationship going while many miles apart ...

First of all, and I can't stress this enough, you have to make a decision at the beginning of the relationship. Whether you are 3,000 miles apart or just separated by the activities of daily life, there has to be a decision that you are together as a couple. No matter what comes your way, you're going to work through it. I know this sounds elementary, but that basic decision will carry you through many a rough time when it just seems easier to give up. Or, times that aren't so tough when you just seem to drift apart. Either way, it's work. Hopefully this is as preachy as I get, but I know this was the hardest part for Ben and I. Deciding that no matter what came our way there was no walking away.

Now here were some of the fun things that Ben and I did to keep things rolling through the separation:
1) Ben and I got on the same cell phone plan. This allowed us to talk for as long as we wanted every day. If one of you is overseas, this option doesn't work, but it isn't bad for in the States. Overseas you may want to look into a plan like Skype.
2) Using and abusing that cell phone plan, Ben and I got on the phone and played board games. Being the computer age, you can also exercise that option online through sites like Yahoo games which allow interactive play.
3) The circle book was a great idea on the part of my husband. Here's the concept ... One person starts the book. You can write a letter, put in a picture, compose a poem ... whatever makes your own personal heart soar. Then mail that book to the other person. That person will add something to the book and mail it back to you. At the end of your separation you will have a sort of journal of your thoughts, hopes, prayers and dreams while you were apart.
4) Along those same lines, I did a scrap book for my husband to take with him on deployment. I figured if I didn't want him looking at other women, I'd send him along with reminders of me. It was based on a calendar concept, so he had a new picture for each month.
5) My sister and her husband actually inspired this one. One year for Christmas I sent him a sort of Advent Calendar of presents. It started on the first day of Christmas and went to the 25th. Each day had a number that corresponded with that day of December. For example, the first day was one book to read. Day 12 may have been a 12 ounce coffee mug. Day 15 may have been 15 pieces of stationery. I honestly don't remember them all right now, but it gave him something fun for the month of December and I had fun getting creative.
6) Care packages are always a plus. I like baking, but you can also send little things like stationery and stamps, razors, a favorite soap, a nice loofah, etc.
7) Use this opportunity to talk. Since we couldn't do the physical things in a relationship like go to dinner or snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie, we talked about things that were important to us. Some nights we talked about where we wanted to go in the future, some nights we talked about where we wanted to live down the road, some nights we just covered issues that we had never taken the time to talk about before. There is an immense blessing in having time to talk which is something that often gets pushed to the side in the rush of every day life.
8) Plan a romantic weekend somewhere. Try to find a weekend where you can both get away and meet up somewhere. It's like a little honeymoon.
9) If number eight isn't possible then have a date night apart. I know this isn't quite as nice as a date night in person, but here's the concept. Both of you pick a spot to go. It can be a restaurant you both love, a park bench or just a place to stare at the moon. Take the time to write each other a letter during that time. Write about what you would be doing if you were there with each other right then. Plan on doing those things when you get back together and anticipate that moment.
10) Keep a thankful journal. Log down each day at least one thing that you are grateful for about that person and one thing you are grateful for in your relationship. One thing about being separated is that it should give you new appreciation for the person you are without. Hold on to that journal for the rough days. A relationship savings account, if you will.
11) Do a top ten list. This is one of my husband's and my favorite dates. We both made a list of our top ten favorite movies and top ten favorite books of all time. If you want, you could do it with songs, poems, sermons, whatever. We then exchanged our lists and watched all the movies and read all the books on the other person's list. Afterwards, it gave us a new topic of conversation.
12) Plan a date. If you can't do the weekend together now, plan the ideal weekend for the return. Anticipation is a great spice to a relationship. And then make it happen.
13) Communicate, communicate, communicate. One of the advantages to our modern world is that there is a plethora of ways to communicate. Send an email, write a letter, make a phone call, get on skype, use MSN, but keep those lines of communication open.

This is a baker's dozen worth of ideas to help you get started. They were some of the ones that worked for us. I can't emphasize enough that now is a good time to remember what adds that spark to your own personal relationship. Remember what it was that brought you together in the first place and take time now to renew that bond. When you get back together, you can be grateful for the opportunity even if the separation was hard.

Baby versus Cat

My cat and my baby have a lot in common. It may seem wrong comparing my only child to the family pet, but it is, alas, a statement of fact. Let me give you some examples.

1) Both of them put everything in their mouth that is within their reach.
2) They both like small furry objects.
3) If it is moving, and within grasp, they will more than likely grab onto it.
4) They can both be tempermental for no apparent reason.
5) Although they may disturb your sleep often, it is not advisable to disturb their sleep.
6) The same rule applies for eating.
7) They both eat several small meals a day.
8) Bath tub equals good time.
9) Jing and Gabriel are soft, warm and cuddly.
10) They're a bit quirky, but I adore them both.

I'm sure I could think of more examples, but these are probably the top ten right now. My son is quite fond of our kitty cat. He seems to find her quite amusing. One night, for no expected reason, he started giggling at the sight of our kitty. He and Ben proceeded to "chase" Jing around the house while Gabriel laughed. Unfortunately, Jing wasn't quite so amused. Now here's the really funny part ... our cat ran. This may not seem like a big deal to those of you who don't know our cat, but she's been known to tree grown men. And here she was running from our five month old son. Well, at least one of them was having fun.

That's the Plan

Baby Boy is doing pretty well with sleeping. He goes to bed at 7 p.m. every night without fuss. I can not tell you how many times Ben and I have thanked God for that little blessing. He wakes up once a night. Not horrible in the grand scheme of things. His clock, however, seems to have gotten stuck at this four a.m. time slot. Rise and shine is at 6 a.m. every day. And every morning my son insists upon rising between 4 and 4:45 for a little snack. We've tried everything at this point. We've fed him more before bed at night, we've fed him less, we've put him to bed earlier, we've put him to bed later, we've tried not feeding him and just rocking him or patting his back, we've tried letting him cry, we've tried getting him up for a late night "topper" ... I can't tell you how many things we've tried. He's stuck. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to be breastfeeding my son at 4 a.m. for the rest of our natural born lives.

We've talked with him about this. Ben and I set him down on the changing table and explained that if he sleeps for just one hour more, he can get up for the day. He'd be happier, Mommy would be happier, everyone would be happier! So for now on he is going to sleep until 6 a.m. and then get up and eat. That's the plan. He smiles at us in the most accommodating manner and continues to alert us to his presence at 4 a.m.

Recently my son came to me and said, "Mama, I'd like to discuss the current nap arrangement. Up until now we've been doing a four nap a day schedule. However, I have drawn up a three nap a day schedule which I believe will work better for everyone involved. I would appreciate it if you would take a few minutes to review the notes I have here." I looked over what he had and he was right. Three longer naps were working much better than the current four short ones. So, now that's the plan.

I like to pretend that I have some element of control over what's going on in my household. Really I do. Truth is that I make grand plans and someone else works it out. We all know that most of the time it's God telling me that my schedule just isn't His. Letting go is probably one of my biggest challenges as a Christian and as a human being. God works with me on this one continually.

I'm going to admit now in this very safe little format ... I have no clue what I'm doing as a Mom. If you haven't figured that out yet, I really don't. I'm enjoying every moment of it, but admittedly, I am just along for the ride. However, it's better not to let the world in general know this. If nothing else, if I put on a false bravado, it keeps interfering individuals from giving me reams of unwanted advice. It's really good sometimes to pretend I know what I'm doing. In the interim, I'll go on making up my little schedules and getting things accomplished when I least expect them. For now, that's the plan.